Everyone knows that Brooklyn fashion is its own unique thing, and you have to keep up with the trends — no matter how ridiculous they are. So, while we all try to make it through this heatwave, I compiled a list of all the things you absolutely *can’t *do without this summer.
1. A fanny pack
Some say the 90s are back, but in Brooklyn, they never went away. If you want to make a splash this summer, channel your mom and strap a little bag around your waist. One internet search will show you fanny packs are all the rage and are even being rebranded as “bum bags” which, while cute, is an even more embarrassing name than the original. Whether you’re in the market for a $500 (seriously) belted change purse or a $17 classic nylon pack in a neon shade, you’ll have no trouble finding something that’ll make you look hip (no pun intended) even in deepest Bushwick.
It may be hot out, but that doesn’t mean the citizens of Brooklyn are swapping their winter boots for sandals. First of all, wearing sandals in the city can be dangerous (mysterious puddles!) and secondly, feet are like, so not chic. So if you’re heading to the beach, pair your barely-there swimsuit with giant boots, like Doc Martens. It may be tough to clomp through the sand in Timberlands, but you’ll certainly turn heads at Fort Tilden. If you want to look extra trendy, wear your boots into the ocean — just be sure you can swim in them!
According to my spin instructor, the point of exercise is to get a body so tight you can show it off in the skimpiest fabric imaginable: white mesh. If you want to be truly body positive this summer, let everyone know you’re proud of what you’ve got by wearing a shirt with holes in it through which other people can see your entire body, preferably in an unforgiving shade of bright white. Just make sure you wear sunscreen since you’ll basically be naked.
4. A crop top
Another great way to make it clear that you have a body covered in skin is by wearing a very short shirt. Whether your stomach is “flat” or not (honestly, no one has a totally flat *stomach — even the fittest people have muscles and ridges under there) let it all hang out. If you want to get really crazy, try wearing a *white mesh crop top. You’ll be the talk of Maria Hernandez Park!
5. High-waisted denim cutoffs
These are the perfect companion to a crop top! If you want to look like a real Brooklynite, you need to remember that when it comes to shorts, there’s no such thing as too high-waisted. If your shorts aren’t at least grazing your belly button, you’re going to look *so *2009. My ideal pair of shorts has a waist so high they double as a strapless bra. If anyone finds a pair, let me know!
6. Wide-leg pants
This summer’s most ridiculous trend is wide-leg pants. They must, of course, be high-waisted and cropped. The ideal look is two long, narrow lampshades covering 3/4 of your legs. For maximum effect, they should hit mid-calf and come in a fun shade like mustard yellow.
7. A super high-cut swimsuit
I’ve been talking a lot about high waists, but there’s another high style you’ve absolutely *got *to try this summer: a high-cut swimsuit. You want to show off not just how long your legs look, but how good your bikini waxer is at her job. As always, the motto here is: the higher the better. If your pelvic bones aren’t entirely visible, you’ll be the laughing stock of the Jacob Riis boardwalk!
8. Tiny sunglasses
I haven’t seen anyone in Brooklyn wearing these yet, but Kim Kardashian said her husband Kanye West told her they’re the only sunglasses she or anyone else should be wearing these days, and if there’s one thing we know about Kanye, it’s that he has flawless judgment. So be a trendsetter and get a pair of sunglasses that barely covers your pupils. Never forget that sunglasses should merely be a fashion statement and have nothing to do with functionality. If they actually block the sun out of your eyes, they’re way too big.
9. A bad haircut
Most of the trends I’ve listed are seasonal, but this one’s timeless. Nothing says, “I live in Brooklyn” like a bizarre haircut. I recently saw one super stylish man in Prospect Park sporting a shaved head and one single long dread sprouting out of the back left side of his head like a rattail. SWOON. If you’re struggling to come up with creative ideas, imagine what hairstyle your grandparents would hate most on you, then do that.
10. None of these things
When it comes to fashion, every Kings County resident knows there’s one rule: break all the rules. While outrageous styles can be seen across the borough, you’ll notice that the coolest people are dressed like your dad. If you want to look truly trendy, break out your oldest sneakers, roomy jeans, and baggy t-shirt, put on a baseball cap with an actual team logo on it, throw on a windbreaker, and hit the streets. You’re guaranteed to turn heads because in Brooklyn, nothing says, “Look at me!” like, “There’s nothing to see here!”